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My body slowly starts to forget how it was… to touch your eyes with my brain, to hear your smile with my heart, to embrace your beauty with all I am and disappear in myself inside of you. I am loosing you. I lost you long time ago. I am loosing the closeness. Replaced with angst, never having this arousement of Woooooooaaaaaah-fuck-that-feels-damn-good again. Never. Spinning in the dramatic ocean of love and its silly suffocation. I am realizing again, I am alone. Again. I always was I think. Maybe more than others. Maybe never.
Around 8 pm my hands start to tremble. I feel this unpleasant moment of despair, deep despair. The moment when your state of being and its limits in flames, when your desperate grief seems to try to stop life. The life we know as being. The being we transformed to life, after raping and beating the shit out of for an evolution… the moment when all inside of you says NO. STOP. Or I vomit my inner right in your face, life! You feel the insanity of life. You realise what you do is complete bullshit. Doesn´t make sense, and it not has to, but it wants so it should, because IT is ruling. Life freezes, condenses, fossilizes, sucked dry, leaving behind an empty vase, burst into pieces, in this very moment of taking one more breath and I will explode and shed my poisoned being against your sacred walls of capitalism – and love. Consumption and love. Or just consumption. That´s it. No bigger picture. We suffer to accumulate our suffocation. So I stop, usually too late, like today, but always around 8 pm. Eat a bit of something, because I have to. I smoked already half a pakage of cigarettes. Ten at least. One or two doped. At least. I gotta eat before the munchies returns and I wolf down sugar in all sorts of colors and shapes. I have a shower. I spray myself with repellent from bottom to top, sometimes I start also from top down, depending if I jerked off under the shower before or not. No connection though, just to mention. Erecting my body ends always in a grandpa pantomime. Each towel on the floor, soap or tooth brush is already an athletic exercise. This stupid tiny loony grandpa, worshipped his being to destroy his brain rather then maintaining his vase, his body – then I promise myself I will start soon, not tomorrow though – I passed that period of hubris already. I will turn fucking 40 next year! I am serious. I mean it. Truly. Now or never! After this multi talent show in the bathroom I need weed, to protect me from heavier stuff. And stop my brain running. I load a TV show. For the next four episodes I am off. Sometimes I follow the story line but potentially I am sidetracking from the sidetracks. Gazing into the void or in one of my housemates eyes – cats are all Houdinis. I will finish my routine with a last last sip in the water bottle – I quit beer, schnaps or tea for now. I finish the jolly. The last arc of suspense rises then it collapses in a preview on the next episode. Five days in a row. I am in bed at 10 pm. five days in a row the same procedure already. It´s time to break something.