Maybe I was my whole life preparing my break out, which I consider personally as a break through.
9 am, I am sitting right in front of an advertisement at the subway station Max-Weber-Platz, Munich, right next to Rechts der Isar, an, my hospital. The smell of blood, excretions and disinfectants is winding up my nose – like a mean fart after lifting the planket in bed, from the inside of my half-dressed jacket, kept together by an arm sling. I was rashly dismissed early morning from the hospital. And being dismissed from an hospital means, you don´t ask, you just leave, walk as straight and far as you can. Now on my way back to my friend´s home, waiting for the train. Around 5 degrees, I practice to find a comfortable position with the arm sling, protecting my left collarbone from further damages, challenging the fact, that three weeks earlier, after the removal at the same hospital of the second titanum plate, which was my companion for nearly two years, this stupid bone refractured. Collateral damage or bad luck. I go for collateral damage as this stay inside of fortress Europe, was not worth to extend but feels like a military mission. I felt imprisoned and was planning constantly my break out the last weeks, being trapped in a racist and misanthropic madhouse.
There are incidents hitting our lives, we feel attracted to escape into superstition, the institution of self protection, of a radical self, which is finally a coincidental procession of bad luck or fate, like a funeral of an unloved friend. Germany is my place of worshipping this bad luck. From the first day on there was an intense feeling of displacement, that I don’t belong here, finally and for good not anymore. Not because of the social cold and the capitalist, commercial, industrial, consuming culture of waste, waste of energy, waste of being. A culture of hypocrisy and depression, a record of a fail of enlightenment. I knew what monster was waiting here, showing it’s true FRATZE in these days surrounded by refugee crisis, a never overcome racism and fascism and leadership itself. But we survived to this certain weekend quite well even though the soldier of death was already marching with his heavy muddy pace on our chests, we were taking breath carefully. And then after removing the plate on my collarbone, the reason why we came here to the doorsteps of my personal hell, it refractured, without any reason. But it did, because things happen like this even there is no explanation. Because reasons are good enough to create art, like menkind and it´s apocalypse, but not to explain the mistake of finding reasons, of discovering a truth. – It just did, like bombs are falling on this world or leaves are dropped by summer. Natural. This world makes me puke.
And I am really broke the first time in my life, at a point where I would need every cent to fullfill my creation, I am working on since I am alive. A plan of a healthy and strong life, to share my creativity, my humanity, to do good, with my wonderful lady on my side.
You will not change the world, but the world changes you, because it is not made for your survival, but to feed its determination.
Germany broke me in many ways and maybe cleared up my mind. Since a long time, a lifetime, I feel like erasing my consciousness, ending this life, my life and with it the existence of this world, which is created not to be and not to feel right, always to be wrong, in one or the other way, because you are always part of the failure, in good and bad. You are always one of us, who suffer, because the world is bleeding and with it us, the ones, who feel, who want to feel, knowing at the same time, that you only feel, how you have to, to survive. It drives me insane or closer to sanity to be this product, named human and sold by this machine called system. And we all feed the system and the system feeds us, with fear. I am scared to live. Germany, Europe, the western culture, all kinds of culture, belief or concepts of power and oppression frightens me to death as it spreads the seeds of death. I am white. I am privileged. I will never be poor, if I don´t want to. But I am a misfit. I am between. And I have an idea again how you feel if you are not welcome as a being. The last years I was away, making a living outside of boxes and borders, I neer felt so alive. I never loved myself for always having fought for being different to what I am told to be and what the dictator – the summary of all what power wants us to be, as a part of itself, to sustain, inside of me orders me. I was at places, where I was. And nothing else. I cried, because I was. I cried, because the purity of life seeps through me – and for this short moment I also forgot to question this feeling, as this is also a result of a manipulative dictator, the true imperialism is the history and culture of men.
And at this point I want to embrace from the bottom of my heart my oldest friend, who is closer to me than he knows, who is the candle of my criticism, who is always in my mind, who cried hours after the terror in Paris, just for a moment, interrupting his speach of condolence. A deep cry. A cry of unforgiving and eternal sadness. In this moment he was there, inside of me. This is how I felt for a lifetime and now I am back and I need to leave, I need to escape, I need to be as you, all of you, who don´t see me, are eating me alive, again and again.
So I am sitting in front of this advertisement. Of a gym. Promoting the non-perfection of your body. And that you don´t have to endure the fact YOU ARE NOT PERFECT! Because you can, NOW! You only have to do it. Consume. And you don´t even have to think about how or question your consumption at all, the beginning of a new period in your life, a period of sucess, of power, of sex. Because they have the concept, they discovered your personal paradise. And this is how you could look like. This is the goal. This is the new I, the idol, your star cut of success. – And people seriously don´t feel attacked. Gazing at this, as an advertisement designer, makes me puke into my inside. I feel disgusted by me, by me as the designer, but more by me as a human. That I have to endure this cheeky but insolent attack on my consciousness and further. It makes me literally sick to defend and resist and not isolate myself from the outside, which just leads right into it, IT, the thing, right into the throat of it.
In western society, in human society it is not popular to be contented with yourself or the conclusion of humbleness or anything, but everything is passivily temporarily. E-v-e-r-y thing is telling you constantly you are not as good as you are, you are not 100%, of course on a very shallow but smart level, because basically the world is fucked up as we are, so far from 100%. But you could be, with this creme, the sunglasses over there, these shoes, another training and food program, with this certificate and that car. And with this fence, this opinion and that therapy you are as bleached as a soul. – So first they tell you, you are not perfect, which would be a direction, maybe a bit hammering, but still. But then, well then you should start to think.
Every anything is outside. Inside is created by outside. You are a creature of creation, build by the values of systematic manipulation. Instead of discovering the silence of gleichfoermigkeit in your practice to gain worthlessness as an industrial value and awareness as a negotion of fear.
Siem Reap is not different from Munich or Paris or other places on this planet. It´s just at a different state of development. I can buy there a Nike underwear with a Tommy Hilfiger stick inside. I can buy only the model the have in my size. And finally you don´t care a all, why should you, WHY the hell should anyone care! But I guess it´s too late. Looking at this world forces you to feel hope, but in a hopeless way, turning your back on and taking care of your own, isolate your empathy, reducing the suffering to a fancy but not nonselfish, reasonable perception. Nobody believes in a change anymore, not the ones who hope, not the ones who believe in another kind of super paradise if they just survive this in good manners. And this is the main problem. The ignorance of every single human being on this planet. Because nobody wants to suffer and suffering leads to ignorance, even if it´s just for protection. But what is left to protect. Honestly.
It´s 9.15 on a saturday morning in Munich. I am gazing on a perfect shaped body of a man. My body is weak. I am in pain and on painkillers. But I am grateful to be here. I am healthy, I can walk, my senses are craving. My desires are rising. A storm of light is looming. I shaped myself in the last months, years, since I am away on my roads. I cut. I carved. I opened my arms. I embraced. And I will stand someday on a vulcano, in the depths of a jungle, at the ocean again and I will feel my existence, my stand, my strength, my being. Because as long as I am I can.