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She asks me if I can cut my beard for her. I would do many things for her, things I can´t even imagine. Cutting my beard seems to be not even a thing, more a coincidence and something I would like to do as well, to gain more space, more space, more tattoos. and to confront me with myself and myself with me and I. But, my self-confidence is still up the spout. Spoilt, stomped into barren ground. By society, by education, by my nurturers – don´t wanna blame my parents for, because I love them. And to be honest to myself, I love myself sometimes, sometimes not, like everyone does – and there is shame, pure tormenting shame, set up, reproduced by media and industry to keep us changing, to keep us fashionized, shaky, as blind as FUCK!!! How I despise our society for its nonreflective tolerance, dumb acceptance, mistreated with concepts of respect and open mindfulness. We create and recreate our own perdition, our counselling sessions, our neurosis, our broken mirrors, our fallen apart lives to hide behind naughty and idle and hollow values. And this is basically why we will never reach the point of freedom, because we don´t manufacture freedom. We are built to last, in cages. We build, with our hands, our judgement, our racism, our inhumanness. We distance ourselves from barbarity and at the same time we multiply by not accepting the fact we are barbarians and far from a picturesque sophisticated, advanced society. We didn´t stand up, we haven´t left the cave, we crawled deeper into darkness, not to explore, but to escape the light, to escape our purpose, eat and be eaten, fuck and be fucked. And between, take care of each other and don´t invent ourselves as better then nothing. We only can be something when we accept to be nothing. Then we can be everything. And all this started with a beard… with a scared hairy deranged kid, who was never able and might be never able to not to treat himself like shit, as he would never do with his loved ones and so loved one. – I guess writing this is a step forward to this boy as I am crying and can feel his pain.
I love you, my love.