I do (not) apologize for another cat story – being story. You can learn from a tree, at least climb and fall and shadow is dragging the sun behind like a crooked view of an universal horizon. So I learn… about myself, about my aggression, my anger, my rage inside of me, sadistic, bestial, alien and natural, opening your eyes and see what this world, not the world, this world, the world man has created with all its powers… reading an article about a man in the States killed his imaginery friend, turned himself and demand the death penalty. Oh glorious achievements of man! And we seriously think about conquering the universe. We are unbeatable in convincing ourselves to be good, to do good and society is as good as it is, not as we are, not as corrupt, fucked up and brutal as we have created and still do, every day, by accepting and following, what most of us do, not like sheeps, like blind acephalic sheeps. And we are then suprised, amused and shocked realizing the consequences. The most logic relation man ever brought to constitution, drowning it like a drunken hack. So I watch… watching beings being in love, being nature, no problem. Watching being depend on me, it drives me outrageous about my aggression I feel inside of me.
I can barely handle my approach to both of them, being in war, emotions vs bitterness of heart. “THIS IS WRONG! – You are just jealous! – I am not, I do love, I do love! – You don´t even know what that means. – But you solved the myth, spilt the sewer elixier of man and paradise has grown on your tongue and dick. – You don´t want to love. – I DO! But I feel not able. I feel not able to handle. – You are. You love. – I hate love! All this mercy, empathy, affinity.” Taking care… I remember a parenting quote my parents, the whole world seem to respond to tragedies and dramas. “Oh, but this was now really your mistake.” As a reaction of empathy. “Well this is now your fault.” Blaming someone for blaming oneself. Reproducing, keeping the expiation on the path of vengeance, preserving the question of guilt. This is the reason why in my memory about Germany when it comes to help, nobody just stays aside, like here in Cambodia, because you fear to make your hands dirty, to feel guilt, to be adjudged guilty, to face conscience. And not accepting that people die and death is more spirited than life will ever be under the influence of man and by manipulation of its nature. How did me and I spoilt my nature that harsh I could pierce the both of them, hugging, petting, fighting, hissing at each other, how could I possibly pierce them with cries in fury, figuratively of course. But it poisons and makes me sad, beause I feel again bloody rotten by man and so, by myself.
