I watch my buddy, lying on the cooling floor tiles, quartered in an ultimate catharsis only cats can karma themselves. I jump on my motorbike, parked not a meter from my doorstep, next to the hammocks, layaway from pillar to pillar, on which the old wooden khmer house, my home, is enthroned. I live the best life as a guest in a part of the world, where I feel centered and not chased to the edges.
Weeks are passing by. April. Khmer New Year again. Wasn´t that just a year ago? A rigid rusty locomotive my road transformed into, excited my perception slicing up in arms my sphere, a treasure box my routine becomes, killing pieces of wonderland, day by day. I don´t need anyone or anything or something even nothing to feel contented, to feel my life, to be my life.
I wanted to settle down in Asia. Done.
I wanted to sustain my living here. Failed. My life has completely changed, even though proceeded. – Done.
I wanted to live in a traditional wooden khmer home. I am lying on the solidly massive planks and falling through, bedded in a dead puff of nature, as warm as a mother´s breast.
I wanted to share my space with animals.
Somnang (cat) moved in. Done.
Pig is still missing.
The last weeks are cascades of surprises. Not sure if this is manufactured to prepare the next paypack lesson. So I follow my ocd and try as much as I can not to try, I do it. Money, artificiality, we, humans, their achievements, conquests, sciences, theories and mumbo jumbo is nothing. The possibility and the option to make it different, without purpose, is not hope but your duty. I am today a sponsor, a teacher, a financial institution, a buffalo shit rider, a tattooist, a partner of the first metal bar of Cambodia, the owner of one of the first proper advertisement agencies, shirt designer, interior designer, I do every morning excercise, subsequentely write and have a healthy breakfast, I smoke more then ever in my life, I am a weedeater, an alcoholic and a traveler, finally human and not what the west, society ruled me. What a gift to be blessed with the opportunity to gnaw on more then my culture´s principals. I feel blessed to be able to fuck off. Culture is nothing and everything, so why follow it eyeless and mindless.
Sometimes, sitting alone in the dark, I feel lonely. This is how I always felt, abandoned the concept of everything, because everything is what men created, nothing will ever be, human hasn´t approved. Nothing will last in the end till men understood humans have never been.
I love Cambodia for its practical intelligence. We learned how to write, to calculate, to be addicted to money, live a collateral life, with collateral damages and accept it as given, commanded by religion, racism and barbarity against nature and a campaign for remarkable stupidity. I know more cambodians they can build their own shelter, beautiful houses, protect and survive as I would just decompose spontanously.
And I decided to live with a spider on top, fuckin big bastard, but I couldn´t kill it, it is stupid to set my own trained and educated disgust against beings, like my cool buddy is, but easier to pet and control. She couldn´t kill it either, out of reach, out of her 3 legged reach. So I decided to live with it, whataver it is, threating in my head, dangerous maybe not at all, but enough to kill. Why not. Yes, why. Why not kill.
After two weeks of work I feel like I need 2 months holiday. After nearly 2 years low or impulsive determining factors affecting my life, triggering my mental and physical condition. I am spoiled by the digital nomad. Maybe this is a reason why I feel a need of creating something. On-site. Sustainable. Sustainable was once called a buzzword, an expression of trend in the west. Today it is old fashion, produces suspiciousness. – Think about… in awareness where I stay, eat and be a guest.
You can´t act like a chainsaw (my dear friend) and expect trees as friends.
“Only god can create something of value out of nothing.”
“If there wouldn´t be no debts, there would be no money anymore.”
Nowadays it is not anymore allowed to drive with more than three people, babies and kids or not, but excluding animals, on a motorbike. Everyone has to wear a helmet. Makes sense, speaking as a accident victim. Watching a kid, standing on the seat, her curly dark hair playing with the head wind, between her mother, who is driving, and her father on the back, squealing with glee and laughing as they leave the main road, away from potential stop-and-search operations and the mother puts off her helmet. Freedom.
I seem to attract women above 40 and women, who suppose I am gay or a sadist. Hm.
I have a strong desire of being alone. Even the appearance of the cat and with it all her needs and desires, are freaking me out – in case of Somnang of course in a supercute way. Loneliness is tough to get.
When you start to hope you have already failed.
French are not that bad. Chinese still are as tourists.
Experience of making business with such a variety of nationalities and cultural backgrounds is more precious then any kind of career.
The older I get the more buffaloheaded I become – might be caused by the fact I know what I want, more and more. Even changing with less. Even what I want doesn´t exist, needs to be created, designed, fabricated and who the fuck wants to be a god.
My working permission and my visa for one year costs me 500 $. The west prints shirts with “Refugees welcome”. Evidence of poor existence.
– It will all happen, it will take time but I know it will happen when the time is ready everything will fall into place.
– Or fall apart. Why always people think positive? Doesn´t the world show us nothing is in place?
– I’m not thinking positive, I’m telling myself when it’s ready it will happen. Everything happens for a reason.
– It is positive. Even if something bad happens, you surrender to the positivism by accepting it, because it was time to happen… I like to make things happen. Reasons are a human creation.
– Way to right! Everything will happen if we want it to happen. I’m a huge believer of time tho and a huge believer of it all happens for a reason, this just doesn’t happen for nothing.
– Shit ha?! If it would be for nothing… how important is our life then? Human being? All the evolution, theories and farts…
Theavy, my brother from another mother, built a chicken farm to earn money for opening a – different – business in the future.
Talking about legs. I hate mine, beside the fact they did so far so away a good job. Why I despise them, their skinniness, rocky bones pressing against the wild grown surface. Weak. Long and weak. Today I embrace, tonight I will make love to my legs. I am gonna start on my scarred and scattered hip bone and on four finger tips slightly move with my thumb sliding on the back of its nail top, providing a loose scratchy bassline to this romantic session. – And then he ran away.