“Refreshing to be outside, the bubble, our your own tiny limited world, the big daily, the naughty easy, the normal, the routine.” I replied to one of my precious traveling friends, after she described the inspiration in her aware of being back on her road again. I miss this feeling, again. Siem Reap is home, a dirty home, dry and dead. one of many homes. A reason why I (still) struggle with my strategy of buming abroad. I depend less on me, when I am on the road. I suppress desires being wrong, when I am at a place offering me a home, invariably for the feeling being right. Home. Home is where my heart is. My heart wouldn´t survive that long there. Home is where my world is. Everywhere. Home is my universe. – Setting up business, which causes in fact staying at one place for long-term, resting in peace, dry trying basically and certainly. Or keep on moving and work, somewhere, work doesn´t need and it doesn´t has to provide a home, save some cash and move on again… my head is spinning and twirling… messy. I could hide the whole day under my pillow and convincing myself I need rest. Frankly, I just don´t know where to head next, after Sri Lanka. I need to find a source of cash. And for the first time since I am away from the place named home, I feel the pressure of needs. Needs to survive, needs to stay, needs to feel needed. Digging for gold is a bit old school, even though this would be my way. Alone between rocks, water and fire.
Anyway.
So.
I need to move. My only and necessary need. Escape. Moving for balance, moving inside. Different map, no guidance, no facebook, the left real lonely planet. Darkness. Or is it white? I can´t see. – I hate these days, hunting for fire again, enlighten my home, reading my cave paintings, converging.
Anyway.
So.
My plans turned into a dumpsite of ashes, inner-Ganges, something will rise from it. Missing a vision. I wouldn’t trust the vision anyway.
I am sorting.
I am fuzzy.
Breaking mirrors.
Yelling, so silent you could even listen to the blackness crossing the dark.
I´d like to stay at a very very very quite place, for an eternity. And I can´t because of damn needs and its odd company, fear.
So.
Anyway.
See you there.
