What does home mean? I am coming home, mama! – Where your belongings are? My stored clothings I discovered covered moldy. What I have is what I can carry. – Oh, my motorbike, my loved motor, I missed you like a mother´s embracement, like a new suite, providing me a touch of a snobbish supremacy, just because I feel I can do what I want.
Two days after my arrival in Siem Reap, already settled in at my former Golden Dynasty, I got an email from my surgeon, in Munich, who supposed to remove the titanium plate from my collarbone, after one year so they said when I left the hospital, in upcoming january. “Everything looks great, but revision of the fracture at the earliest possible after one and a half or two years.” W-h-a-t d-a F-U-C-K! I scheduled my next moves, the last months of this year around this date of relief, when I will screw the last aftermath of a naughty ride on my loyal company into the pageless book of memories. I will be able to carry a backpack without a feeling of a harvester in my shoulder, carnaging any second through my skin-thin flesh. I will be able to dive, to excercise, to get in shape again, strong and magnetic. At least I wouldn´t have to deal with unflexibility anymore. But there was never doubt about it will take longer than a year. Not the fact I loose money and time now, both of not less. The fact that they laughed about third world countryside doctors, messing me, and being not able to answer properly and mandatory, verified according to their diagnosis. You are the same, if we talk about half-assed of the power of respect and awareness. YOU SHIT-H-E-A-D-S!!! No, of course you don´t have to apologize A-T A-L-L. Everyone makes mistakes, but you are doctors, you don´t have to aplogize, you are busy, we understand that, we, who depend on your ignorance. Thank you. – So, my loved those, who stayed home, friends and in particular my family, the boy is not coming home this year, burn your christmas trees! Planning sucks anyway. Did I mention this before? They money you save with some special early bird booking promotion you loose with coincidental rebooking or canceling. And this happens to all of you, us, anyone. So stop planning! However safe dates, risks or escapes seem to be. I learned to accept, even though this german white coats really freaking me out till today. Accept and don´t spoil your present with the intruding sarcasm of an illusionary safety. Not even your life is safe, so why should be an artificial structure of infinitely variable uncertainty, created to protect you life, defining and causing life, accidentally. Don´t reject the entering of virgin possibilities, of the present and the fallibility of your commandment, which is obviously proofed as fucked. Welcome the new light of the horizon, stretching around you, a universe of fate and accident. I am totally balanced. Oooommm… Om Om OM! Fuck fuck fuck. Philippines I am coming home soon. I miss the Philippines, the friends I have there, the tribes, the cemetery, the silence I listened to. For the first time since I was a teen and experiment with Buddhism and what´s the place called inwards, the inners of life, like, decking myself out with religious symbols and tolling crap, I wear jewelry again. A huge teeth of a wild hog, from Palawan. Not because I believe there might be a spirit inside or it protects me or it does anything which I don´t order and wnat to imagine. Just because I like the weight, to feel the gravity, shrining the stand I found, maintain respect for the experience I was invited to. And sometimes it is necessary, wandering around all this days, weeks, months, alone, rooting in your own roots, deeper and deeper, till you realize, there is nothing more than everything you want. I hacked my growling, my mind rumbles, now in the outside world, I am prepared to leave me alone. I function. I work. I can rely on me. I trust me, I believe me, in me. I want to leave my world, I want to keep it inside at the outside. It´s another move of a highly narcissistic mind, but whoelse if not me. I know how I like the hand around my dick. I know the minds around my desires. I know I can change what I believe. I know I can not believe, because I don´t have to. It doesn´t matter. I don´t care. I don´t care about your lies and dishonesty, even if you think you do it for good, you don´t. It doesn´t matter. What matters is you, your balance, your awareness, not the blindness which controls you. Don´t try to see – darkness walk with us! I have a mojo, a teeth of a wild hog. I look more and more like a spiritual freak. I am my spirit. I am my religion. I am me, the boy who doesn´t come home, who misses his family and friends heavily. We have many homes, we only use to live in none of them, to keep them clean. Let´s get some dirt on the ground and follow the path, it doesn´t matter where we go, but that we left.
I am wasted since I am here, back to reality, back to Siem Reap´s my real last still standing world, daily soaps, gossip and beers and a loch of nesses, different end, different story, not mine anymore, but more enjoyable. I need some spirit in between again! A warrior´s bride.
– Balance where are you thou?
Home is where my gravity contrasts.
