My road is blocked. Guess I am facing a decision. The decision to relocate, to travel or to return. Leaving friends behind or sailing home, enter the port, the haven of the old famous loved ones. After more than a year abroad – actually from where? – it´s maybe time for a decision, not a plan, but not to loose by striking time.
What do I want? Travel.
What do I need? Travel.
And friends. Not on sight always, no please, but in my mind. And first they became memories, to go missing in stories breaking the lane. You live apart, not avoidable.
Why I stay? Travel.
I might have to change my habits. I might have to wean myself from the idea of a compassionate friendhood. I am lonesome, so fuckin embrace the solitude! Get lonely, stay lonely. Bite your tail, follow the assy smell, believe your tales, distrust your believes. Share yourself to me. Alone we are nothing, together we believe we are and live and we do, easing the pain of tininess. I learned to prefer rivaling myself. I am too ignorant to deal with the emotional disease of mistrust. Why we need to trust anyway? What is trust in a world resting upon lies and deception. I had the last weeks repeating quarrels about trust. I don´t want to trust and you don´t have to trust me. I will never ask you to trust me, could finally reveal the antipode.
Trust me.
Trust yourself.
Have confidence in.
Just another more mock-heroic expression for, stay strong.
Mission accomplished. Distrust sowed.
I don´t have to trust myself. It might be advantageous to know your strength, but even this is just a erroneous assumption. It might be advatageous but less adventurous.
Trust. What a hilarious concept of feeling secure.
Security, what a sly idea of trust.
Even with a machete, literally my sanity, to bleed through the thicketly crooked belief systems, trust rulesa and fortune desires… you feel lonely as quick as you loose reason.
And a couple of minutes ago, I got the “permission” of my (last) ex-girlfriend to leave Cambodia… talking about cultural differences… sometimes same same and no difference.