I am defeated. I was nearly through the worst part, now I got this two more parts.
Broke my collarbone again, the lever action of the titanium plate crushed close to the breastbone. They will also open my foot again, the scar hides something inside. A late Christmas present.
I feel so much hate and anger, I don´t know how to manage.
I am angry about the doctor, telling me, that I have to wait until at least the 16th, so about 7 days more, than I can have surgery. I don´t wanna buy a TV with special features and a special waitlist. I want to get fixed!!! He is gonna drive home today. Prescribed me some pain killers. Enjoy your holiday.
I am angry about that I am stucked, I can not do something else then wait, 7 days, in this half Buck up!-Shit position. The rest of the not with titanium splinted bone is pointing sharp against the muscle. I don´t wanna get more and more marked for what I have done. I get the point!
I am angry about that I can not find a good explanation for that. Why this must happened. At the end of course, in comparison to real tough shit, to the real demented stuff, which is going on around the world each second, it´s nothing. But I would feel better if there is a good reason for that, today it feels just life is shitting on me, again, again and again, or kidding, I don´t get the joke today.
I am angry about the headlessness of Cambodia.
I am angry about myself that I drank, again. I am a professionell drinker, I am drinking since more than 20 years, if I want to harm myself I do it on purpose, a proper cut, how many or how deep ever, but prepared and in control. Drinking makes you weak, and moaning, and if you are weak you don´t need weakness.
I am so angry, so fucking angry, I can´t believe, especially I am on painkillers again now, I randomly feel I gonna wake up soon, I am still at Soya´s birthday bash party and I slept away in the chair, drunken and happy, I can imagine the voices around me. Sounds of happiness.
I can and I have to do something, make a uturn, take a break… I am going to take the flight back home to treat, cure and get back on the road again, cause I will be back, that´s for sure.
I am
sad
mad
desperated
happy
focused
afraid
and still,
I am.
Here.
And will be there.
And I will feel like here.
I have two theres.
I am the luckiest man of my men.
The one who needs and gets.
I am still here.
Get da fuck up back on your feet!
